A Few Thoughts On Haggling
A candid look at haggling in the sex industry.
I received a message recently that simply said:
“if no deposit we are good”
And honestly? Thank you, sir. Not for the offer. God no. But for reminding me that I’ve been meaning to write a blog about HAGGLING and that now is as good a time as any.
Before I get into it, I hope everyone’s 4th, and Juneteenth, were celebrated with care, joy, and as little stress as possible. And since both holidays bring up conversations around freedom, independence, and self determination... Let’s take a moment to talk about our own free will.
We all have it. You have the free will to hit up a provider and ask for whatever your heart desires.
And I have the free will to read your message, laugh into my coffee, and block you before you can finish typing “u available?”
That’s the beauty of autonomy.
But with free will comes consequences. And one of the consequences of moving through the world without manners, respect, or common sense is that people stop wanting to do things for you. Or with you. Or to you.
Including sex workers.
Let’s Talk About Haggling
There are some cultures and industries where haggling is expected. Flea markets. Street vendors. Maybe your uncle’s used car lot.
This is not one of them.
The sex industry is not the place to dust off your inner bargain hunter and start negotiating like you’re trying to shave $20 off a knockoff handbag in China Town.
Many providers, myself included, see haggling as disrespectful right out the gate. That includes asking for a discount, trying to negotiate a deposit, or attempting to lower a rate because you “don’t need everything” or “don’t want full service” or “won’t be doing much.”
Sir. This is not a prix fixe menu where you remove the appetizer and get $12 off the bill. (I don't even think the restaurant would agree to that either.) And it is certainly not a space where you get to haggle my safety because you don’t like the terms I’ve put in place to protect myself.
“If No Deposit We Are Good” Is Not the Flex You Think It Is
What I hear when someone opens with “if no deposit we are good” is:
“Hi, I saw your clearly stated boundary and decided it shouldn’t apply to me.”
That’s it. That’s the whole message. You are not making an offer. You are not being slick.
You are not “keeping it simple.” You are telling me, in your very first interaction with me, that you either didn’t read my ad/website, or you did read it and felt comfortable trying to override it anyway. Neither option is sexy.
And if you are the kind of person who walks into a business that clearly requires deposits or appointments and says, “Well if you don’t do that, then we’re good,” I need you to know something: Every merchant and service provider you do this to hates seeing you coming.
Every barber.
Every tattoo artist.
Every photographer.
Every salesman
Every professional who states of the operation of their business clearly.
You are the client version of someone trying to return a half-eaten sandwich because they “didn’t love the aioli.” Nobody wants to deal with that.
Haggling Makes You Instantly Less Appealing
And let’s just say the quiet part out loud: I am never excited to be intimate with someone who haggles. Never.
Whether you’re trying to haggle my rates like there aren’t plenty of providers already in your price range, or haggle my deposit because you don’t want to send one, you immediately become someone I do not want to see. Because haggling doesn’t read as charming, confident, or business savvy. It reads as entitled. It reads as someone who thinks the rules should bend for him before he’s done a single thing to earn that flexibility. And if you’re pushing my boundaries before we’ve even met, why on earth would I feel excited about being alone and naked in a room with you? That’s not chemistry. That’s a headache in human form.
“But I’m Not Like the Others…”
Please spare me.
There is no faster way to sound exactly like the others than by telling me you’re not like the others while trying to get me to make an exception. You are not setting yourself apart by refusing to follow my process. You are not proving you’re safe by resisting the very things I use to keep myself safe.
You are just becoming another man in my inbox asking for special treatment because he’s convinced his circumstances, his vibe, his marriage, his schedule, his cash, his urgency, or his penis should somehow change the terms of my business.
It won’t.
“But I’m Not Even Trying to Do Much…”
Another one that needs to die.
Asking for a discount because you “don’t want penetration,” or “just want to hang out,” or “only need a little time” is still haggling. You are not paying for an à la carte combo meal. You are paying for my time, my attention, my energy, my labor, and the boundaries I’ve built around all of it. And those things do not become cheaper just because you’ve decided you don’t need the “full package.”
Respectfully, I do not prorate myself because you’re feeling modest. Most providers don't. It's also a sure way to incriminate yourself over the phone by trying to pay for "just a bj".
Slow Day or Not, I Notice the Difference
Now let me be honest, because I always am.
Have there been a slow day where I bent a rule for someone? Sure. I’m human. I’ve been in this industry a long time. I’ve made exceptions before.
But let me also be very clear: you are not getting the same experience as the man who didn’t give me a hard time.
You just aren’t. Paying me does not magically turn on some “likability” feature. It does not erase the first impression you made. It does not make me forget that the first thing you did was challenge my boundaries instead of respecting them.
If you refuse to see me as a human being from the start, I can tell. And I don’t like you. Period.
There Are Providers Who Fit Your Budget. Go See Them.
This is the part that always confuses me. There are providers at every price point. Providers who do deposits. Providers who don’t. Providers who screen heavily. Providers who barely screen at all. So why are you in the inbox of someone whose terms don’t work for you trying to negotiate your way into comfort?
If my rates aren’t for you, I respect that.
If deposits aren’t your thing, I respect that.
If my process feels too rigid for your liking, okay.
Then I am not the provider for you. And that is perfectly fine. What’s not fine is trying to wear me down into becoming her.
Final Thought: Read the Room, Read the Ad, Read the Website
The easiest way to avoid embarrassing yourself, getting blocked, or turning a provider off before you’ve even introduced yourself is very simple:
Read the ad. Read the website. Read the room.
If a provider requires deposits, that’s the requirement.
If her rates are listed, those are the rates.
If her process doesn’t work for you, keep it moving.
You don’t have to agree with how someone runs their business.
But you also don’t get to negotiate your way around it just because your dick is optimistic.
And if your very first message to a provider is “if no deposit we are good”, I can assure you of one thing:
No, babe.
We are not.