The Shit Sex Workers Hate Hearing You Say
Ten things that make us cringe, question your judgment, or reconsider the entire appointment.
After more than twenty years in the sex industry, I can confidently say I've heard some shit. Some things make me laugh. Some make me uncomfortable. Some make me wonder how you've managed to survive this long with so little self awareness. And then there are the things I've heard so many times that I can practically predict them before they leave your mouth.
Now, I can't speak for every sex worker on the planet. We're not a monolith. But I can tell you that plenty of us have exchanged stories, rolled our eyes, and collectively wondered why some of y'all insist on saying the same ridiculous shit. So today, we're counting down ten things you might want to retire from your vocabulary when interacting with a sex worker. Some are annoying. Some are insulting. Some are downright concerning. And a few make me want to ask whether you hear yourself when you speak. Let's get into it.
10. "Are You Available?"
Available for WHAT, sir? Today? Tomorrow? Next Thursday? For thirty minutes? Two hours? Incall? Outcall? Are you asking about this afternoon or sometime before the Lord returns? GIVE. ME. SOMETHING.
This is probably one of the laziest ways to initiate a booking. You know what you're looking for. You know when you're available. You probably already know your budget, where you'd like to meet, and how much time you have. So why am I responsible for extracting that information from you like we're conducting a police interrogation? And if you're looking for something ASAP, that's even more reason to get to the fucking point. What are you waiting for?!
"Hi, I'm interested in booking an hour today around 3 PM. Are you available for incall?" LOOK AT THAT. A complete thought! Nobody died. Nobody broke a sweat. We have enough information to begin a conversation. I promise, a little effort goes a long way.
9. "You Should Be Paying Me."
Oh, brother. This one makes me throw up in my mouth a little.
And what's particularly unfortunate is that it's usually said by someone who thinks he's just delivered the sexiest, funniest, most irresistible line I've ever heard. Sir. Please. It's not the flex you think it is. I can't even fully articulate why this comment gives me such an aggressive case of the ick, but it does. Maybe it's the arrogance. Maybe it's the assumption that whatever you just did was such a magnificent gift to humanity that I should be reaching for my wallet. Maybe it's the way it instantly turns what could have been a genuinely enjoyable moment into some weird competition over who's lucky to be there. Whatever it is, I promise you, it's not sexy.
And yes, I'll probably laugh. But understand that I'm laughing through the gag. You might have just made me regret showing you an ounce of enthusiasm. Congratulations.
8. "She Was a Lazy Fuck. You're So Much Better."
Ahhh, yes. Nothing gets a woman going like a man talking shit about another woman. How romantic.
I don't know who convinced some of you that insulting another provider is an effective way to compliment the one you're currently spending time with, but I'd like a word with them. Because what exactly am I supposed to do with that information? Feel honored? Work harder? Throw my arms around you and thank you for recognizing my superiority? No. You sound like a difficult client who might be sitting in someone else's room talking shit about me next week. And here's something else to consider: you have absolutely no idea what that woman was experiencing that day. Maybe she was tired. Maybe she was uncomfortable. Maybe the chemistry wasn't there. Maybe your expectations were unreasonable. Or maybe she genuinely wasn't putting in much effort. Either way, why are we discussing her? If you enjoyed your time with me, say that. You don't have to drag another woman through the mud to compliment me. In fact, doing so makes the compliment considerably less flattering.
7. "I Don't Need a Shower."
Oh, you don't? Interesting. Because someone just asked you to take one. And I promise you, if a provider specifically asks you to shower, there's a pretty good chance you fucking need one. Why are we debating this? Why are you standing in someone's space trying to convince her that your ass is clean enough? Do you understand how ridiculous that conversation is?
And please don't go into the bathroom, turn the water on, stand there for three minutes, and come back pretending you've showered. We know. We can tell. The dry towel is telling on you. The untouched soap is telling on you. And unfortunately, sometimes your body is still telling on you. Now you've made the situation even more uncomfortable because not only did you refuse a simple hygiene request, you decided to put on a one-man theatrical production called I Definitely Took a Shower. If someone asks you to wash, just wash. You may think it's a minor inconvenience. She may be deciding whether she ever wants to see you again. Just take the shower, funky ass.
6. "What's Your Real Name?"
Hi again, potential serial killer. What do you need that for? Seriously. What purpose does knowing my government name serve you during our time together? I gave you a name. That's the name I've chosen for you to use. If I wanted you to call me something else, I would've introduced myself differently. And here's what makes this question particularly uncomfortable: you already know there's a reason I'm using a pseudonym. So asking me to reveal my legal identity isn't some innocent little icebreaker. You're asking me to explain or abandon a boundary I've already established.mNow I'm standing here trying to decide whether to give you a polite answer, redirect the conversation, or wonder why you're so interested in information that has absolutely nothing to do with our appointment. And please don't mistake familiarity for entitlement. Maybe we've known each other for years. Maybe we laugh together, share personal stories, and genuinely enjoy each other's company. Wonderful. That doesn't mean you're entitled to every part of my life.
If a provider chooses to share her real name, that's her decision. And if you happen to discover it on your own? No, you didn't. Keep it to yourself. Don't suddenly start using it. Don't go searching for her relatives. Don't request her personal social media accounts. And don't assume that because you feel close to her, she's obligated to open every door in her life. Sometimes the closeness you feel is a reflection of how comfortable she's made the experience. That's part of being good at her job. Enjoy what she's chosen to share without demanding access to everything else.
5. "Does Your Family Know You Do This?"
Does yours?
No, seriously. DOES YOURS? Because I'm genuinely curious how we've both ended up in the same room, participating in the same experience, but somehow I'm the only person whose adult choices require a family discussion. Why does what we're both engaging in carry more shame for me than it does for you? And who appointed you the family-values investigator. You're not automatically in some morally superior position because you're the consumer. You don't get to participate in sex work and then question whether the person providing it has her family's permission or approval. And what exactly are you hoping to learn? Whether my mother knows? Whether my children know? Whether I have a supportive family? Whether I'm hiding something? That's an incredibly personal conversation. If I choose to share how I navigate disclosure, family relationships, or the stigma surrounding my work, that's one thing. But please don't treat my private life like it's included in the appointment. We don't generally greet you by asking how exhausting it must be to hide things from your wife, explain your whereabouts, or maintain whatever image you've created at home. So maybe extend us the same courtesy. Because whether you intend it or not, that question often comes wrapped in judgment and shame. And I didn't invite either one into the room.
4. "If I Had the Money, I'd Marry You."
Oh, would you? That's fascinating. Who said I'd marry YOU? I always find it amusing when men present this hypothetical marriage proposal as though I've just been offered the opportunity of a lifetime.
So let me get this straight. You believe that if you had enough money, I'd happily commit the rest of my life to you? Why? Because I'm a sex worker? Because you think money is the only thing standing between us and a lifelong romantic partnership? Because you've decided I'm some money-hungry sex addict who would gladly exchange marriage vows for unlimited financial access? Sir, be serious. I'm no different from the wife you're complaining isn't fucking you.
I have needs. I have boundaries. I have bad days. I get tired. I get irritated. I want affection, communication, honesty, empathy, compassion, and quality time. I require effort. I require emotional maturity. I require someone who understands that being married to me doesn't mean having unlimited access to my body. And sometimes I simply don't feel like having sex. My husband and I have busy lives, and there are times we only connect intimately once a month. Shocking, I know. Life with me isn't some nonstop, lingerie-wearing, sex-fueled fantasy festival. I'm not floating around the house in a silk robe waiting for somebody to come home and bend me over the kitchen counter. Sometimes I'm tired, the dishes need washing, and I want you to leave me the fuck alone. You know. Like a regular human being.
Money might buy you a beautiful house. It cannot buy you a healthy relationship with me. And if the only reason you want to marry me is because you imagine I'd be sexually available whenever you wanted? You don't want a wife. You want a subscription service.
3. "You Can't Do This Forever. When Are You Going to Stop?"
When are YOU planning to retire? Because unless you're offering me a fully funded retirement package, I'm not sure why we're discussing mine.
I need some of you to understand something. Yes. Yes, we absolutely can do this forever. Now, whether someone wants to is an entirely different conversation. Some sex workers retire young. Some transition into other work. Some take breaks. Some work well into their later years. It's almost as though we're individuals with different goals, circumstances, and relationships to our careers. Imagine that. But the assumption that women—particularly women in sex work—have some magical expiration date is both misogynistic and wildly disconnected from reality. You think people stop desiring older women? You think sexual curiosity, attraction, and intimacy disappear because somebody turned fifty, sixty, or seventy? Please. People sexualize just about anything. There are documented cases of sexual violations involving animals and even deceased people, yet somehow you think a living, breathing, consenting older woman is beyond the realm of desire? Let's be fucking serious.
And while we're here, I'll share something personal. I'm older and heavier than I've ever been. And I'm also making more money than I've ever made. How about that? Because age brings things too. Experience. Confidence. Discernment. Communication. Self-awareness. A better understanding of your body, your boundaries, and what you bring to an experience. Some clients value those things tremendously. Not everybody is looking for the youngest woman in the room. And even if my clientele changes as I age, that's my business to navigate. So unless I've specifically asked you to help me plan my future, please stop treating my career like a carton of milk approaching its expiration date.
2. "Are You Clean?"
Are YOU? And more importantly, what exactly are you hoping to accomplish by asking me? Because I need y'all to understand that this question doesn't actually establish anyone's sexual health status.It temporarily soothes your anxiety. That's it. Someone can say yes and be mistaken. Someone can have an STI without symptoms. Someone can have tested negative previously and acquired an infection afterward. And someone can knowingly lie.
So what have we accomplished? You've placed the responsibility for your sexual health decisions onto a stranger's answer. And let's talk about the word clean while we're at it. Having an STI doesn't make someone dirty. That language is stigmatizing, and it doesn't help anyone have more responsible conversations about sexual health. If you want to know about testing, ask respectful, specific questions. Understand what different tests can and cannot tell you. Use protection, know your own status, and make informed decisions. But don't ask "Are you clean?" as though those three words are some magical force field against infection. And if you choose to have unprotected sex with someone you barely know, you cannot walk into the doctor's office afterward and say: "Well, she told me she was clean!" What would you like the doctor to do with that information, sir? Your sexual health is your responsibility. Not solely hers. Not solely your wife's. Not solely anybody else's. YOURS. And no, this doesn't mean providers have no responsibility to communicate honestly about their health. It means a stranger's reassurance isn't a substitute for protecting yourself.
1. "Is Anyone Else There With You?"
Oh hi again, Serial Killer. Why do you need to know whether I'm alone? Because from my side of the conversation that question can sound a whole lot like you're trying to figure out whether there's anyone around to intervene if something goes wrong.
Maybe that's not your intention. Maybe you're nervous about your own safety. Maybe you've heard stories about robberies, setups, or people being surprised by someone else at a location. I understand those concerns. Sex workers understand the importance of safety better than most people realize. But consider how this question lands on the person you're asking. You're essentially asking a woman you barely know to disclose whether she's alone and potentially vulnerable.
But also, do you honestly believe someone planning to set you up is necessarily going to tell you the truth? "Oh yes, sweetheart. There are actually three men hiding in the closet waiting to rob you. Would 4:30 still work?" LMAO. If someone has bad intentions, they're probably not going to blow up their entire operation because you politely asked whether anybody else was there. And while I know not every provider works alone, and some have safety precautions or other arrangements, it's generally understood that appointments are intended to be private unless otherwise disclosed.
If you need clarification about privacy ask about the privacy of the appointment. That's different from interrogating someone about whether she's physically alone. And if you don't feel safe meeting someone? Don't go. Seriously. No appointment is worth ignoring your instincts. That applies to both of us. Because while you're trying to protect yourself from a possible setup, I'm trying to protect myself from someone who may be asking whether there are witnesses. See how that works?
Before You Say It, Ask Yourself Something
I know some of these questions come from genuine curiosity. Some come from nervousness. Some come from ignorance. And some come from men who have gotten entirely too comfortable saying whatever the fuck pops into their heads. But there's a common thread running through all ten. A surprising number of you forget that there's another human being on the receiving end of your words. A human being with boundaries, insecurities, a family, a career, a body, a private life, and concerns about her own safety. We aren't automatically available to answer every personal question, absorb every insult, validate every insecurity, or accommodate every request simply because you booked time with us. And sometimes the most irritating part isn't even the question itself. It's the complete lack of thought that went into asking it. So before you open your mouth, ask yourself, Would I appreciate someone asking me this? Is this information actually necessary? Am I being respectful, or am I asking someone to manage my discomfort?
Now, if you're a sex worker reading this, I already know you've got at least three more to add. And if you're a client who recognized yourself somewhere in this list? Well... At least now you know. You're welcome. 😂
-SiSi, xoxo